The year has taken off at a fast pace and I am barely able to keep up…my goal of returning to the pool and walking has not quite panned out- already beginning to feel the weight of it all. I had a wonderful holidays with my family for the first time in almost 10 years I actually felt like celebrating. I was still basking on the joy of tradition and family when life takes an unexpected turn. I should be used to this but with this illness it seems that I become less able to cope with sudden changes and stresses leaving me a bit out of sorts.
My mom had barely left when I receive a call she was hospitalized- no chance to rest. I did a mad dash to Houston and as I approached the hospital a sense of doom, grief and Deja-vu took over me particularly as I walked into the main corridor heading up the elevators to the same floor where my dad had last been hospitalized before the bomb was dropped on our lap. My mom was now across the room my dad had last occupied and we were being taken care of by the same nice hospitalist whose demeanor saddened as well as he entered the room and saw my mom laying there. Upon discharge the attendant was not certain who the patient was since both of us were in pretty bad shape.
Of course after discharge mom could not stay home alone so back to my house we were. So it has been a comedy of errors taking turns caring for each other- the worst days were when she was extremely in need of my care and I could barely function. The day was especially trying as I had to go up and down the stairs to tend to her. By the end of the day I felt like I was crawling up the stairs. I kept reminding myself that at least I got a weeks’ worth of exercise, as per my account!
Trying to get her down from a high bed to the bathroom when both of us were having various degrees of vertigo and dizziness was something to behold. Equally difficult is attempting to sleep with her since she needs rest but the stress of it all has kicked my REM behavior into over drive. More medicines for me and a bit more for her.
Then the hardest part came telling her she has a brain tumor – although most likely benign still a “BRAIN TUMOR.” Having had my grandmother die from a similar condition does not sit well with me. I try to remain optimistic and not let her see my fear and worry. I crumble a bit more inside as I imagine not having her around, I gasp for air. Even though I try not to think about it, I wonder is this also my future – something else to look forward to?
So I do my routine mental status exam to ensure no interruption of brain function but I seem to be struggling more with word finding than she is – takes me 3 hours to recall the name of a “hummingbird.” I am exhausted!
I just pray for strength to care for her and for complete resolution of her tumor. Meantime, I keep holding on to Hope and faith and focusing all of my energy on my beautiful daughter. I say to myself “Que Sera, Sera!” As I drift to sleep with thoughts of ….sitting by the beach in Hawaii.