…”though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light.” ~ Micah 7:8 NIV
I love lighthouses. Whenever I get a chance to travel to an area known for their lighthouses, I never pass on the opportunity. These grand structures are majestic and mysterious in nature for the power they hold; yet despite their veritable importance they always stand aloof, detached and solitary. However, these magnificently stoic architectural works of art, since no two are alike, serve a very distinct function for those in need.
Sometimes, as in living with a chronic illness like Parkinson’s disease we can become so overwhelmed that we are no longer capable of identifying treacherous terrain in front of our own eyes. If we do not heed the warning of others who have a lighthouse view, the passage can turn unsafe and even dark.
Although, caregivers who are mostly women are increasingly stressed in direct proportion to the number of years spent in the “business” of giving/providing care when help is offered, the extra assistance is not readily accepted as was the case in the care of my father. One of the main issues is guilt. Many caregivers feel ashamed or guilty in admitting they require outside help; thus might even turn it away when offered or not actively seek it. The second problem I encountered in my patients as well as in my family was a sense of duty and responsibility to ease the fears, anxiety, and shame the patient may feel as he or she is losing independence and unwillingness to appear weak in front of a stranger. this was my dad’s problem who refused outside help because ‘no one would take better care of him than my mom and I.”
Here are a few tips to help spouses, care-partners, and caregivers recognize and accept outside assistance by helping them work out their fears and ambivalence.
First, we must convey to them that the perspective is much different and broader with a myriad of options when standing at the top of the lighthouse with a clear view of everything than when in the seashore in the dark and feeling alone.
The temptation to strike out on our own is always present and stronger especially in those of us who are used to taking care of everything and everyone. Initially, more so if the person is very adept, like a ship that disregards the lighthouse warnings, will continue to progress and maybe even be successful in the day to day care of their loved one for a time. Ultimately, causing not just one’s one destruction or demise but that of our loved one whom we are trying to protect; because if you are not well then neither will your loved one who then might have a quicker descent.
Therefore, learn to swim parallel to the riptides heeding the following warnings from the lighthouses in your life to a happier more successful outcome for both you and your partner.
Recognize the warning signs:
- Irritability– if you find yourself often frustrated at the person whom you are supposed to care for, including neglect or abuse ( verbal, emotional, physical) -NEED HELP ASAP!
- Depressed– you are experiencing symptoms of depression yourself lasting more than 2 weeks- especially if wanting to die, harm yourself or worse harm the person whom you care for, this includes wishing they were dead or would die soon.
- Others are worried or concerned about your coping– friends, family are noticing changes in your mood or behavior.
If you find yourself in this group:
- Allow yourself to feel guilt followed by relief- forgive yourself- don’t be so hard on yourself. You CAN NOT DO IT ALL. NO BODY CAN BE ALL THINGS TO ANYBODY!!! ONLY GOD!!
- Talk to your physician, a counselor, a spiritual leader.
- Go to a support group
- Go to a psychologist/psychiatrist
- Start making plans for yourself again as you redefine your role as caregiver with assistance/new found help.
Resources for Help: